Never Really Here
by CloudXStrife
Summary: Everyone has a breaking point. Ryan Wolfe finally reaches his.


**Disclaimer- I own nothing CSI Miami and its characters all belong to CBS and their rightful owners**

**A/N- This is my first story. So read and enjoy!**

* * *

Miami-Dade Police Department. It sounded so perfect. All I heard about this place was that it was an honour to even be in that building whether you were a Criminal or law enforcement. I waited my whole life to get my dream job at one of Miami's finest.

I'm still waiting.

Well, at first I was ecstatic to get that once in a lifetime phone call from the leader of said elite department. I was in such a good mood. That mood didn't last.

My first day as a CSI was one I would never forget. I must've had the word 'Noobie' Painted across my forehead because everyone treated me like a little kid who just walked into a classroom where everyone knew each other but did not know a single thing about you.

The sad thing was that was the best part of working there. The people I was supposed to work regularly with were not so...friendly.

Horatio Caine the lieutenant of MDPD. The mentor of all CSIs. The person I thought made my dreams come true. To me he was the puppet master. And I was his puppet. Anything he asked of me I did without question. I knew when he didn't want to get the people he cares about into any trouble he would turn to me. I mean I helped him fake his own death for God sake! It turned out that he would've asked Delko but feared that it would've gone wrong and affected his career. That's probably the reason he chose me he did not care for me or my career...if you can even call this a career.

Alexx Woods a Miami-Dade Medical examiner. A mother figure for everyone. She showed some resentment towards me at first telling me that she didn't "need any more friends" But I seemed to grow on her and I think she accepted me as one of her 'babies'. I think she was the only one who truly accepted me as a part of this team and not a person everyone could take their anger out on if a case went cold.

Eric Delko a Fingerprint and drug identification expert for Miami-Dade. I could tell the second we exchanged glances we were not going to get along. It may be the fact that he thinks I was taking over his job or maybe it was probably because he was close to Speedle a friend of his that was killed in the line of duty, he felt that I was taking Speedle place within the lab a position I would never be able to live up to. Whatever it was he still resents me to this day as an interloper.

Calleigh Duquesne aka Bullet Girl a ballistics specialist. My first case involved her alcoholic father. She was cold towards me, and treated me as if I knew of nothing which was understandable. We became friends work friends not real friends but still _friends_. We grew on each other enough to help each other with our real problems. She grew even more on me enough for me to say that I liked her until she and Delko got together and we began drifting apart Horatio separating us from lab work and replacing me with Delko. I felt as if I was drowning in this hellhole with no one to turn to.

Natalia Boa Vista our CSI trainee. I always wonder why they accepted her much more easily and faster than they ever accepted me... even if they accepted me at this point. I gathered enough courage to ask her out once but it was obvious that she didn't feel the same way about me as I did for her that or she was still hung up on Eric. Other than that we were just colleagues.

That's where my head was; evaluating everything that happened to me in the last couple years as I looked over the final sheets of paper that could finally take me away, far away. Everything was filled out except for the one thing I have been putting off and dreading. _Lieutenant's signature_.

I moved towards the labs slowly taking everything in for the last time. The rustling and noisy offices with cops running around, the advanced technology helping us to put criminals away, criminals looking at me in disgust as I made my way down the halls. As the break room came into my line of sight I saw my...or should I say their team enjoying each other's company. Calleigh and Eric cuddled up on the small yet comfortable couch smiling at one another, Natalia eating her lunch along with Alexx and saying something causing everyone to laugh except for Horatio who cracked a smile. Funny, how they failed to mention lunch to me.

Closing my eyes and taking in a deep breath I clutched my papers tightly in one hand and reached for the doorknob. I stepped in and Calleigh greeted me nonchalantly. I nodded at her.

"H," He looked at me from the counter he was leaning against "Can I talk to you?"

The team stopped their friendly banter must've noticing the seriousness in my voice

"Sure, son what's on your mind?" He replied putting his cup of coffee down.

"Uh...alone?" If they thought my previous tone was serious then this was on a way different level. I shuffled my feet uncomfortably awaiting his answer.

The room was deathly silent, everyone intently listening. I could feel everyone's eyes on me their concern, curious and surprised eyes all focusing on me. I shifted uncomfortably under their gazes, not looking back at anyone. I clutched the papers in my hand until my knuckles turned ghost white. "Let's go to my office." Horatio replied in all seriousness.

He walked past me opening the door and walking out I followed avoiding gazes and closing the door behind me. The elevator ride up to his office was filled with awkward silence with me figuring out what to say.

The elevator beeped notifying its occupants that their destination has arrived. Horatio strided over behind his desk taking a seat. I did the same sitting on the other side of the desk. I fiddled with my neatly done up tie a little bit before deciding that it was best to just get what I needed and leave as fast as possible.

"I need you to sign this." I handed him the stack of white papers and watched as he read through it surprised evidently in his eyes.

"You're leaving." He said simply

I nodded "Yeah, I am." I clasped my hands together hoping he wouldn't ask the reason why.

"May I ask why?" _crap_ He puts the papers on his neatly organized desk and looks back at me.

"I just think its best right now." I lamely lied. He stared at me for a while clearly not believing me but I kept his gaze. I could've just said that an emergency came up and I needed to leave right away but this is MDPD they would've found out that there was no emergency and besides I have been planning on leaving for quite a few months now.

He slowly nodded his eyes back on the paper. He reached for a pen and flipped through the stapled stack of paper about to sign he paused and looked back at me. I looked at him confused.

"Are you sure you want to do this Mr. Wolfe?" I asked myself that question everyday wondering if this was the right thing to do. I got my answer when I was kidnapped by the Russian mob, tortured for 12 hours only to come back and realize that they had no idea that I was kidnapped, what happened to me, nor did they try to look for me. But that didn't stop me from thinking about this one last time. What was I really leaving? My dream job? I would hardly call this a dream job. I barely had friends here, I hated being used, and acceptance here for me was impossible. I didn't want to do this. But I _needed _to do this not for them but for me.

I nodded hoping my hesitance wasn't showing. "I need to do this Horatio."

That was that we had a stare off for another couple minutes but he finally sign what was left of my job and handed it to me. I shook his hand firmly, turned and waited for the elevator.

"Lieutenant Caine?" I looked over my shoulder in time to see him turn away from the windows with a surprised look on his face at the use of his formal name. "It has been an honour working with...I mean for you."

He gave me one of his slight smiles and said in his usual Horatio voice "Same goes for you Mr. Wolfe Same goes for you."

* * *

My walk back to my car was bittersweet knowing that tomorrow I would have to come back once more and for the last time.

I fell into an endless fight for sleep whatever I did just did not seem to let me close my eyes and fall into an uneasy sleep. Instead I roll onto my side and blinked at the clock reading 5:30. Sighing I turn towards the bathroom hoping a shower might relax me. I stepped out and got ready to get the rest of my things at the lab hoping that no one would be there this early in the day.

I arrived and parked in the visitor section of the police department, looking towards the building that was a second home for me I noticed how beautiful it looked as the sunrise began to peak out from behind. I shake my head waking me from my trance and walked around to the trunk of the car and pulled out an empty box. Taking a deep breath I mutter "Here it goes"

There weren't much people around at this time a few office workers probably trying to catch up on missed work but other than that no one was here. I rounded a corner, took a right and into the locker rooms. My hand reaching for the door handle froze in midair when voices could be heard inside.

"So, do any of you guys know why Ryan is leaving?" It sounded like Natalia. Hmm so Horatio already told the team.

"No idea. When I asked Horatio he said that Ryan 'thought it was best.'" That was Calleigh I think her voice was a little disappointed but that was just probably me.

Alexx came out closing her locker, tucking in her medical shirt. "I can't believe one of my babies is leaving he hasn't even been here long." I could always count on Alexx to at least be sincere to me.

Delko made his way out of nowhere and to Calleigh giving her a kiss. I could feel myself tense as Alexx and Natalia made 'oooo' sounds. "What are you ladies gossiping about?" he asked leaning against my locker with a stupid grin on his face.

"Ryan" All three girls answered.

I could see his idiot smile was replaced with a scowl. "Why? I mean we all hate the guy. I'm glad he's leaving." I could see the others opening their mouths to defend me or maybe join in on bashing me. I didn't wait to find out; I push on the door handle, and stepped in the door closing behind me causing all 4 CSIs to turn in my direction. I stood there for a second looking at each of them. Gripping my empty box I walked towards them excusing Eric from my locker.

With a slightly shaky hand I put in the combination and swung the locker open throwing everything and anything in the now full box. I could feel them still there watching my every movement. I didn't care though I just wanted to get the hell out of there hoping none of them would talk to me. My box was full, the locker empty I closed it. Picking up the box I try to make a quick getaway but her voice stopped me.

"So you're really leaving?" Calleigh's voice softly made its way to my ears.

With my back to them I answered "I wasn't really here." With nothing left to say I moved forward and left confused looking CSIs behind.

I sat in my car breathing in fresh air willing the tears that threaten to fall to go away. I shifted through whatever reminded me of this job. A picture caught my eye. I slowly picked it up eyeing it closely. It was taken last year at a Christmas party that was held annually every year. Everyone looked generally happy even me. We were all smiling as the camera snap a shot. That was one day I actually felt like I was a part of something and not just working with people who hated me. Sighing I threw it to the side and went back into the box groaning when I noticed that I didn't hand in my gun and badge. Hitting my head against the steering wheel for not thinking of this before and forcing myself to go back in there _again_ I grab the gun and badge and head towards Horatio.

Waiting in the elevator I look down at the symbols of law enforcement in my hands, at so much I accomplish. _This is the end_ The elevator doors opened but I didn't notice I was reflecting on what I did here. A surprised call of my name made my head snapped up. Not only was Horatio there but the whole team was. It seemed like I couldn't get away from them.

I step out of the elevator hearing it close behind me and it's descend back to the main floor I walk towards them.

"I forgot to give these back" I simply say laying the badge and gun on the cool desk. I stuff my hands into my pockets and look down on the last items that would set me free. No one said anything we all just stood there looking at the gun and badge on the desk. I looked back up silently looking at each one of them. I finished what I needed to finish and began my long walk back to the awaiting elevators.

"Mr Wolfe" Horatio's voice made me stop showing them that I was listening. I slightly turn my head to look over my shoulder. "You did work with us." He stated out of the blue.

"I wish that were true H I wish that were true." I softly said. "But we all know I was never a part of this team and never will be." I turned back around not waiting for the elevator anymore but taking the flight of stairs back to the main floor.

Back in the car I finally let the tears fall.


End file.
